I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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