I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I can't put those talents on a resume
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
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