I'd wear matching sweaters with you
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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