Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
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