Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
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