Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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