I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Randomize
