I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
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I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
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I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
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