holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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