If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
