I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
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