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I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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