If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
