I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
