I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
