Just fell off a train. Bad.
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
