i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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