I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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