the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
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I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
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Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
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