Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
