I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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