Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
