You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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