is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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