I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
