No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Randomize
