i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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