It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
