I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
