Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
