I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
