woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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