you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Randomize
