my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
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