At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
