God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
