I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Panties = found
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
