Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
