After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
