apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Randomize
