Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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