The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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