Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
