oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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