I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I need to align my fucking chakras
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
