Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
