I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
