my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
