is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
