I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
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