I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
