This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
