Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
You are the jesus of drinking
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
