Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
How external is "for external use only"?
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
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