Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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