I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
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