I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
