Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
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