The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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