I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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