I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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