My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
You took a bar mat shot.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
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