Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
