things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
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