just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
You pole danced in your parka.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
